Narcissistic relationships tend to follow a predictable cycle that can leave you feeling confused, diminished and stuck. Understanding each stage is key to breaking free.
Stage 1: Idealization – The Honeymoon Phase
In the early stages narcissists make you feel like the most important person in their world.
You might feel:
Elated. They shower you with love, compliments and attention.
Seen and heard. You feel like they “truly get you.”
Swept off your feet. It feels like a fairytale, too good to be true (because it is).
This might show up as:
Over-the-top gestures. Expensive gifts, dramatic proclamations of love and promises of a perfect future ("future-faking")
"Soulmate" language. They tell you that you're the one they’ve been waiting for.
Intense attachment. Quick moves like wanting exclusivity, moving in together or discussing marriage early on.
This phase is all about hooking you. They're building a facade to gain your trust and admiration.
Stage 2: Devaluation – Cracks Start to Show
Now that they’ve secured your attachment, their mask starts to slip. Subtle (or overt) criticisms and manipulations start creeping in.
You might feel:
Confusion. "What happened to the person I fell for?"
Self-doubt. You’re starting to question if you’re good enough.
Anxiety. You’re often on edge, trying to avoid setting them off.
This might show up as:
Gaslighting. Making you question your memory and perceptions.
Criticism: Comments about your appearance, intelligence and behavior. Disguised as “constructive feedback.”
Emotional withdrawal. They become less attentive. This triggers abandonment issues and leaves you craving the love and admiration they gave you so freely before.
They’re testing your boundaries and feeding off your growing need for their approval.
Stage 3: Discard – When You’re No Longer Useful
Once they got what they wanted—be that admiration, control or resources—they discard you, leaving you feeling worthless.
You might feel:
Devastation. A sense of loss, like your world has been destroyed.
Rejection. "Why wasn’t I enough for them?"
Loneliness. An overwhelming void where the relationship once was.
This might show up as:
Abrupt ending. They ghost you, move on quickly or end things without explanation.
Cruelty. Hurtful words and actions designed to make you feel small.
Replacing you. They flaunt someone else to maximize your pain.
They never saw you as an equal partner. Once your role in their story is over, they move on without remorse.
Stage 4: Hoovering – Drawing You Back In
When they sense you pulling away or rebuilding your life, they may try to reel you back in.
You might feel:
Hope. "Maybe this time they changed."
Vulnerability. You miss the love-bombing stage and want it back.
Guilt. They manipulate you into thinking the relationship issues were all your fault.
This might show up as:
Apologies. Grand promises to change or be better.
Love bombing (again). The cycle restarts with flattering words and grandiose gestures.
Pity plays. They might share sob stories to evoke your compassion.
Hoovering isn’t about love—it’s about maintaining control. They don’t want you to move on.
Awareness Is Power
To free yourself you have to recognize the cycle and choose to break it.
Steps to Take:
Recognize the cycle. Awareness of the stages helps you identify where you are.
Set boundaries. Be firm about what you will and won’t accept.
Seek support. Working with a coach or therapist can help you rebuild your life.
Prioritize healing. Focus on self-care and healing your self-worth.
Walk away. If possible, create a plan to leave safely and cut ties.
You Deserve Better.
The cycle of a narcissistic relationship isn’t your fault—it’s a reflection of the narcissist’s own wounds and inability to form healthy connections.
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